I don’t parent in a particularly normal way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kind of person who believes that children shouldn’t have any restrictions at all, but I do firmly believe that too many rules can be a bad thing. This is why I only have one rule.
I’ve never really needed any more than that. I know that some people set out a list of expectations and requirements for their children, but in my experience, this is often counter-productive. Too many restrictions leads to rebellion. Banning everything that might be “fun” (no matter how valid the ban might be), just makes those things seem more appealing.
As a teenager, I rebelled against every rule I was given. If I was told not to do something, I made sure to put it on my to-do list. Yes, there would be consequences if I got caught, but in my mind it was worth the risk. Breaking the rule was sometimes more fun than whatever the banned activity was.
It also meant that sometimes I would put myself in situations where things could have gone badly wrong. Thankfully, other than ending up in an ambulance when I was 14, nothing too disastrous happened. But, if it had, I would have probably been too worried about the consequences to ask my parents for help.
Because of this, when I had children, I made sure that I only had one rule.
Don’t lie to me.
That’s it. It might sound basic, but it’s a pretty good rule. I know that they’ll be tempted to do things that they shouldn’t and my one rule doesn’t stop them from making stupid decisions. It does, however, mean that they know they can tell me about it.
For example, if one of my children wants to drink alcohol, I will obviously tell them all of the very valid reasons why they shouldn’t. But, ultimately they will do whatever they want to do. It’s more important to me that they’re honest about it.
Think of it this way, if I ban drinking completely and instigate some sort of punishment for a breach of the rule, it might not necessarily stop someone from going to a party or hanging out in a field with a bottle of vodka. What it could stop, however, is the chance of them calling me if something happens or someone needs help. The fear of the consequence could impact my child’s ability to seek help when they need it.
They all know that there are things I’d prefer they didn’t do. But they also know that being honest about it means that I can help to keep them safe.
So far, my one-rule system has worked. I know that I may need to rethink it and adjust as my younger children grow up, but I’ve managed to get two of them almost to adulthood in one piece, so I’m counting that as a win. There have been some difficult conversations at times, but my children trust me enough to know that I will be there for them no matter what kind of mess they get themselves into.
It might not work for everyone, but it works for us.